Everyone wants to know how to best help their child dealing with ADD or ADHD. Very often readers and social networking friends ask what we do, in working with our kids. Recently, a discussion like this resulted in an impromptu list of some of the rules we have tried to stick to. We’re not perfect and sometimes the train goes flying off the rails, but these rules make sense to us:
- Always show love, acceptance and support – our love is not dependent on our children’s behavior.
- Provide our children plenty of opportunities to make the right decision and celebrate the good ones immediately.
- Never bait them into a trap – if you know they did something, don’t ask – state that you know it and discuss the situation.
- Explain why they should do something, remind them of the rewards for doing it, the priviledges lost for not, then let them decide.
- Be persistent – It’s not easy saying “turn off the TV/Computer” over & over – let them know it’s important enough for us to follow through.
- Don’t punish for every infraction – redirect and move on.
- Set clear rules for what’s totally unacceptable (hitting, etc.).
- When possible, allow for choices, rather than a single directive. Allowing our children the chance to choose between options often will reduce the battle that can result with forcing them into a task, completely on our terms.
- Medication, if used, is not a crutch – it is an opportunity for our children to relieve some pressure while they develop new skills and tools for coping with the effects of ADHD. They need skills, not just pills.
- Know when our children function well – if attention spans are depleted and frustration triggers more easily by dinner time, don’t put our children in the unrealistic position of challenging them at these times – resolve difficult issues earlier or wait until the morning.
Each of these rules could easily be its own post and maybe we will do that someday. As I said earlier, we are not perfect. We often can break some of these rules, but always return to them, as we see their importance.
What rules have you implemented for helping your kids?
That’s a great post. I read it out loud to my husband. We are having “issues” with the tv right now.
Patience and persistence Julie, patience and persistence.
Jenn Choi had a comment relative to this post, which she had placed in the “About” section. It read:
The “Parking Lot” idea looks great – I will be trying this myself.
Thanks Jenn!
My biggest rule is that you do not punish for things that they can not control. Of course this is a thin line that doesn’t always have a clear cut option. Sometimes you have to go with your instinct. Like you said – we are not perfect but if we are wrong – we admit it and apologize.
Lauri
another one I found is that a week’s worth of homework is not going to get done by Friday if it’s handed to us on Monday or Tuesday. I got a little tired of the teacher insisting my daughter shouldn’t have a problem completing it on time. I put my foot down and insisted she does have a problem if we only have a few small chunks of time during the week! I insisted that we get the homework the previous Friday so we can spend time on the weekend, or we’ll turn it in late the following Monday without penalty.
it’s been a lot of extra work just to get her teacher to work with us so that homework doesn’t become a huge stressor on all of us. it helped a lot when her therapist invoked the ADA on her behalf.
Chris,
What a great list of ways to help them cope and develop! Another thing I figured out about homework: When C. was in 7th grade, I went in to the counselor/teachers and discussed his issues. Since teachers have to turn their lesson plans, FOR the WEEK, into the school office by late Friday or early Monday, the school agreed to make a copy of their plans for each week for me to pick up or for C. to bring home. That way, I had the exact HOMEWORK schedule, what/when assigned, when due, etc. Helped us TREMENDOUSLY ! He couldn’t “forget” and just blow it off because someone besides him and the teachers knew about it – Mom.
Praying for you and yours.
Amy
Thanks for the great idea Nenya. We’ll have to try this approach with the school, although I have my doubts as to how well this will be received.
We have begged for greater communication with the teachers and have been told by the pricipal that they will not e-mail updates to us. We have since found out from teachers in the school district that there is a district-wide policy that they are not to communicate with parents via e-mail, as these could be edited. What does this say about a school district? They are establishing their policies seeing the parents they serve (and who are paying their salaries) as the “opposition. On top of that, they are completely naive. “Don’t use fire – saw Ogg burn once outside cave!” Complete Luddites. Taking their logic a step further, what would prevent me from producing an entire series of e-mails that never occurred? Absolute foolishness.